


Untold Story: The Daily Life in Chaldea

by Axel_Yamamoto



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/M, Harems, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-10 14:28:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12913824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axel_Yamamoto/pseuds/Axel_Yamamoto
Summary: One would think having a lot of Servants at your command is a good thing, well Ritsuka Fujimaru beg to differ. From Heroes to Tyrants, Myths to Legends, Ritsuka life's filled with comedic and ecchi situations one would deemed worthy of a Harem Protagonist! Follow the shenanigans these Heroes do inside of Chaldea befitting the last hope of mankind! Crack fic!





	1. Dragon's Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> A crack story dedicated to the Fate/GO movie that came out. I really love it, even though it’s a bit short for my taste. Caster!Cu is awesome! 
> 
> This is a ‘what if’ story when the MC, Ritsuka Fujimaru, summoned a lot of servants and they hang around in Chaldea. When you gathered so many Servants in one place, you’ll get chaos and comedy no matter where you go.  
> Anyway, you need to at least played Fate/GO to have a grasp wth is going on. Just saying. 
> 
> Welp, Enjoy! Also, anyone want to be friends with me in Fate/GO? I’m lonely.
> 
> DISCLAIMER! I OWN NOTHING!

Ritsuka Fujimaru is perhaps the last hope that mankind has for survival. No, it’s a FACT that he is the last hope of mankind for survival. He and everybody in Chaldea knew that. That’s why, even being a commoner of no renown and little to no training in the art of combat or magic, Ritsuka tries his best to be a proper Master and Magus so he can save the world from certain doom. 

Yet even against so much trial and crisis, the time traveling veteran still can’t handle this one tiny problem that kept surfacing.

“WAAAAAHHH!”

Like now, for example.

Ritsuka jumped away from his bed to stare at the female form groaning on his bed, clearly awake from clearly his manly scream. “Wha-wha-what are you doing here, Kiyohime?!”  
Kiyohime slowly sit up from her sleeping position and the blanket covering her slowly slant down and reveal her naked form to Ritsuka, who, out of instinct, covers his eyes in the most utmost haste. Kiyohime herself is a beautiful girl with long light green hair, a pair of white bone-like horns on either side of her head and a pair of alluring golden eyes. “My love, what is the matter?” She asked while rubbing her eyes. “And why are you covering your eyes?”

“W-Why are you naked?!”

“Why?” She tilted her head in confusion, “Is it not a Bride’s rights to sleep without clothes next to their Husband?”

Of course that’s the logic she’s using. Kiyohime, as per her declaration, is a Servant that fights for love, and again as per her declaration Ritsuka, her Master, is the reincarnation of her old lover Anchin and by that logic he is her husband and/or lover. Now while he didn’t really see much of a problem with it at first, the fact that she’s really delusional and dangerous means that she can and probably will kill him if he say or do something she deemed as wrong. For example: Trying to kill her fellow Servants just because they’ve talked to him a ‘bit too close’. 

It took a while before she calmed down from that ‘overly possessive’ phase, but she still maintains some of it and it didn’t change the fact that she’s really, REALLY dangerous, command seal or not. The fact she’s a dragon also don’t make it any better.

“L-Listen Kiyohime barging in my room without permission is not allowed and—“

Several knocks on the door of Ritsuka’s room interrupted him. “Little Puppy, you awake? Breakfast’s ready. Mashu asked me to wake you up.” The knocks gets louder, “Are you awake or not?! I’m coming in!”

Oh god not her! “Elizabeth wait-!”

The door slide open and revealed a beautiful, pink hair loli with a pair of bone-like horns on her head, her black gothic outfit revealed a bit too much of her upper non-developed body and a single black tail can be seen swaying left to right behind her, coming out of her large black puffy skirt. “Oh so you’re awake—“ She stopped. Her blue eyes stare at the naked form of Kiyohime lying on the bed. “… Y-YOOUUUUU!” She suddenly snarled and glare at both Ritsuka and the female Servant. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?! YOU PERVERTS!” 

Kiyohime return he glare with one of hate, “Ara, is it wrong for a Husband and Wife to do their duty? You’re interrupting, so please leave.”

The rebuttal seems to only make Elizabeth angrier. “YOU LAND LIZARD HUSSY! SHE’S NOT YOUR HUSBAND!” Prana and killing intent burst out of her body and fill the small room rather quickly. 

“Hm.” Kiyohime slowly stood up on the bed and proudly showed her creamywhitesoftskin to the occupants of the room. “I will destroy you, pathetic dragon, for your transgression upon our love nest.” With a blinding flash of white a beautiful blue kimono suddenly materialized on her body. “Prepare to be destroyed.” 

“YOU’RE the one who’s going to be destroyed, lizard!”

Ritsuka, befitting of a Master of many and veteran of multiple Holy Grail Wars, begin to defuse the situation. “Wait please both of you calm down! I can explain—“

“I will exterminate all of the liars who ran from me—“

Oh no!

“I’ll let you hear the greatest hit of the Servant World!”

“Please don’t use your Noble Phantasm here!” Ritsuka is now panicking. “I’ll die!”

“Tenshin, Kasyou Zanmai!”

“Báthory Erzsébet!”

“AAAAAHHHHH!!”

A mighty explosion erupted inside Chaldea that shook the entire foundation. All the occupants that felt it look around expecting an attack, but then soon realized it’s probably another one of Ritsuka’s Servants shenanigans and went back to what they’re doing.

Yeah, they’re used to it by now.

XXX

“I am impressed that you survived that, Master.”

Ritsuka sighed in dismay at his situation. “I was thinking I was going to die, too.” He can’t feel anything from his body, “Thank you for saving me, Medusa.” Then he blush a bit, “And, well, for carrying me.”

Medusa is an alluring woman with long, purple hair; an hourglass figure that will make all normal male paused and a revealing, black tight dress that doesn’t hide her figure. “It is no problem, Master.” Her voice is calm and matured; clearly not bothered by the male she’s carrying piggy back style. “It is a Servant duty to save their Master from danger.” Although her eyes are covered by a black cloth Ritsuka knew she’s looking at him with a teasing glance. “However, the next time I have to save you from angry Servants you must allow me to carry you bridal style.”

“What?! WHY?!”

“Why not?” Her face and voice showed no hint of emotion, but the Master just knew she’s secretly smirking. “It is more efficient.”

“No it’s not! And it’s embarrassing!” He’s still has a pride as male, damn it!

“Ah, but are you not already like a Princess? Always being saved by others. Or perhaps a Harem King? I wouldn’t mind calling you ‘Your Majesty’ and serving you every night.”  
Ritsuka face turned red instantly at what Medusa’s implying. “N-No! Don’t call me that!” He can’t imagine what the other would look at him if she starts to call him that! Or even Mashu’s expression!

“Then do you prefer ‘Daddy’? Dr. Roman told me some men prefer to be called that.”

“NO!”

XXX

As they step into the bustling cafeteria all conversation stopped as they stare at an injured Ritsuka being piggy back by Medusa. All eyes held different emotions at the new arrival, some looked worried, some looked surprised, some looked amused and other looked jealous.

“S-Senpai?!” A voice suddenly echoes through the now silent establishment as a blur of purple stopped next to the due. “Are you okay?! What happened?!”

The black hair Chaldea Master looked at the owner of the voice, staring at a beautiful girl with short, purple hair and wearing an outfit that suspiciously resembles a school uniform. “I’m fine, Mashu. Just… A bit of a scuffle.”

Mashu Kyrielight is the owner of the title of ‘Kouhai’, and the resident Demi-Servant. “A scuffle? With who? And where’s Elizabeth? I’ve sent her to get you.”

“Our Master was caught between a pair of Noble Phantasm from Kiyohime and Elizabeth.” Medusa suddenly said, which made Ritsuka flinched. “I was passing by when it happened. They’re both currently are tied up with my chains in his room. Oh and it need another repair.” She added.

Hearing that, most of the occupants went back to their food and continue whatever it is their doing. As mentioned before, most of them, especially the Servants are used to this kind of thing.

It’s the curse of a Harem Protagonist and the Master of quirky Servants.

“Muahahaha!” A haughty voice belonging to a man with golden hair and flamboyant clothing’s roared through the room. “You can’t even control your harem, boy? And you dare care yourself my Master? You have a lot to learn! Here, I’ll show you!” He walked to a beautiful, yet handsome blond hair girl wearing a white blouse and blue skirt. “Saber! No, Artoria! Undress and bend over!”

Artoria Pendragon, the mighty King Arthur, choke on her food at the declaration of the order. She then death glare the flamboyant man and wishing he was dead. “No.” Was her answered to the order.

“No? I am the King of Heroes! You can’t say no to me—“ He was interrupted when a bowl of rice suddenly hit him directly on his face, courtesy of Artoria.  
It was a cue for disaster. “FOOOOOOD FIIIIGHT!” Someone from the crowd yelled out as the Servants and some Chaldea employees started to chucks food and utensil everywhere as if abiding to the declaration. 

It’s chaotic, it’s uncontrollable; it’s… the everyday life in Chaldea.

Ritsuko, still being carried by Medusa, cries as his ‘horse’ starts to maneuvers to evade projectile in the form of food.  
Why did this happen to me…?

It took a pissed off Emiya, who is the chef that prepared most of the food, Jeanne D’ Arc, as the ‘de vacto’ leader of the Servants, Hercules, as per the request of Ritsuka, and Altera, as per her duty to destroy ‘bad civilizations that ruined her breakfast time’, that peace reign once more in Chaldea cafeteria. 

For now.


	2. Boys Night In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime even boys need some quality time with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! What’s up? I can’t believe that this story is populated by fans, lol. Considering I made it out of a whim.
> 
> Anyway, I thought of this chapter when I was having my ‘call of nature’ in the toilet and personified by a reviewer. So I’m thinking why the hell not? But then I regret it as I made this monstrosity, haha.
> 
> For the people that want Jeanne, you’ll get it in the next chapter! I’m surprised a lot of people want her. She’s really popular. 
> 
> Welp without further ado let’s begin!
> 
> P.S: Bad grammar ahead.
> 
> P.S.S: I hope you guys like it.
> 
> P.S.S.S: Astolfo.

“So why are you guys in my room again?”

Nine pair of eyes stares at the owner of the now stuffy room of a certain sole Master and final hope of humanity. All nine of them are distinguishably different from one another, yet there’s one thing that unite most of them into one category: Most of them are males. 

“Come on, Ritsuka. Didn’t I tell you that we’ll be having a ‘Boys only night’?” Romani Archaman, the head medical staff and the current leader of the Grand Order project, said. “It’s been awhile since we boys got together to do gentlemanly talk. I mean, with the current large amount of female Servants population I’m sure that there are something that we can only say to fellow males, right?” 

Ritsuka Fujimaru blinked in confusion, “But didn’t you say its next week?”

“Pfft, don’t sweat the small stuff, Ritsuka.” Roman waved him off and take another bite off of a strawberry shortcake he’d prepared. 

“No that’s not really a small stuff…” 

The room itself is not small per-se, but when housing so many people it become a bit stuffy. All of them are sitting on a circle in the middle of the room with snacks and drinks stationed in the middle of the circle. 

“I agree with the doctor on this one, Master.” Cu Chulainn joined in while sipping a can of beer. “Don’t stress out unimportant stuff and just enjoy it!”

“I admit,” Iskandar the Conqueror, or at least the younger version of him, pitched in also while eating a bag of chips. “This is the first time I’m together with so many respectable heroes at a ‘Boys only night’. I’m a bit excited!”

Cu grinned at the confession, “See? Even Iskandar’s excited! I’m sure the other are too, right?”

“No, not really.” With a scowl on his face Zhuge Liang, or also known as El-Melloi made his displeasure known. 

“Then why the hell are you here?”

“Iskandar dragged me here.”

“Oh so you’re his boy toy now?”

“Please don’t start this shit again, Cu Chulainn. You DON’T want me to bring up the question of your sexuality.”  
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?! I’M NOT GAY!”

“Yet you kept screaming ‘Gay Buldge’ every time you fight.”

“IT’S GAE BOLG! IT’S MY NOBLE PHANTASM SO OF COURSE I HAVE TO SAY IT OUTLOUD!”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever fit your style, Cu.”

“You son of a—“

“He has a point, Lancer.” Emiya, the proclaimed honorary chef of Chaldea, who’s been sitting quietly joined in with a cocky smirk. “I’m not surprised if people start to question your preference.”

“You shut the fu—“

Ritsuka sighed as they, once again, fought with each other again. It’s not even ten minute and they’re at each other throat. “I guess this is what you get for bringing so many Servants in one room…”

“Fou!”

“Hm?” The sole Master looked down to see a white, squirrel like creature staring at him. “Fou? They roped you in as well?” The creature usually sleeps with Mashu or sometime other female Servants like Jeanne or Artoria, so this is rare for him to join in a large crowd like this. 

“Fou! Fou!” The creature leaped toward Ritsuka lap and begin nestling itself there. “Fou.”

The black hair young man smile and rub the creature head gently. “So you’re worried about me? Thank you Fou.”

“Fou!”

“Sure, I’ll give you some nuts later.” He looked to his left and saw a large, black skin Servant with a lot of golden piercings. “They dragged you here too, Darius?” He asked the Berserker class servant.

The Prince of Persia respond is to grunt, “Hrrrngh.”

“Oh, you’re here because Iskandar’s here?”

“Hrngh. Hm.”

“I see. So since you’re his eternal rival you’re here to make sure you can beat him?’

“Hrnghh.”

“I see.”

The argument was stopped when Ritsuka started a conversation with the BERSERKER Darius III; all eyes are now staring at the weird interaction as the Master seems to understand the weird grunts Darius are saying as substitute for words like its afternoon chat. 

“Ano ne!” A hand shot to the air to demand all attention of everyone in the room. “I’m actually pretty new at this kind of thing too. So what exactly are we doing?” The voice is cute and chirpy, hinting that the owner is a girl. As all eyes snapped toward the source in fear of infiltration, they’re met with a beautiful face of a hero with pink hair that has sexually confused a lot of people, especially males. 

Cu was the first to speak, “What are you doing here Astolfo?”

Astolfo of the Twelve Paladins of Charlemagne looked at the Lancer in confusion. “What do you mean what I’m doing here? I’m a male, you know!” Astolfo puffed her—his chest proudly, also showing off her short pink pajamas that clearly not made for male.

Cu looked like he was reminded of a something of great important. “Oh riiiiight. Yeah, I almost forgot about that.” Him and almost everyone in the room. 

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Hmm… Astolfo raised a good point though.” The young Conqueror said. “What exactly people do in event like this?” Iskandar asked, “Is it like a tea party perchance? But at night?”

It was time like this that Dr. Roman quickly take the stage, “Why, my dear Heroic Spirit, what else is there to talk about when men are gathered than girls?” He grinned mischievously, “With our many stock of beautiful and pretty ladies I’m sure there’s one or two girls one of you’re interested in.”

Iskandar leaned forward, clearly interested. “You mean it’s like sharing secrets?”

“That’s right! But as part of the bro-code we must never spread this secret.”

“I see. So it’s like a Brotherhood pact?”

“Exactly!”

“Wait wait wait!” El Melloi stood up from his position, clearly not agreeing with the idea. “I did not agree to this—“

“Oh! Oh! Let me go first!” Astolfo interrupted while jumping on her sitting position. “Please let me go first! Please please please please!”

“Don’t interrupt me—“

“Okay sure, we can start with you.” Romani looked around the room, “Everyone have no problem with this, right?”

“Yes! Yes I do!”

Roman ignored the Caster, “Okay then! Go, Astolfo!”

The cute male smile brightly and quickly stood up from her—his sitting position. “Well then, let me tell you the girl that has mesmerized me ever since I was summoned!” For some reason she did a twirl and a bunch of sparkly effect materialize around her, “Her beauty had made me paused my breathing and her charisma melted my heart! Never have I seen such perfect being before me! She is Nero Claudius! The fifth emperor of Rome!”

Everybody stare at the beautiful male in surprised at her choice. Out of all the girls in Chaldea she’s interested in Nero Claudius? Of course she’s very beautiful and indeed her charisma made her more charming, but it’s just surprising Astolfo picked her instead of a handsomer female Servant like Artoria.

Perhaps the fact he looked like a girl played a great factor on everyone’s expectation?

“I see!” Iskandar suddenly stood up from his sitting position with his eyes sparkles in emotion. “I understand how you feel, Astolfo, for I, too, was mesmerized by the fifth emperor of Rome!” 

Now that took everyone by surprised. “Iskandar…” Astolfo said while staring at the Conqueror. 

“Indeed. Staring at her is like staring at a beautiful red rose that shine brightly. Although it is embarrassing to admit, her charm had mesmerized me.” He walked toward his fellow Rider and grab his hand, “That’s why be proud, Astolfo! For you are not alone in this endeavor!”

“Iskandar!” 

Everyone sweat drop as the two Riders stared at each other like they’ve just found their long lost Brother. “W-Well…” Roman coughed, “How about you D’Eon? You’ve been silent all this time—“ He paused, then his eyes widened. “D’EON?! What are you doing here?!”

Ritsuka looked at the famous Knight of France that’s been sitting there next to Astolfo all this time wearing a white, girly PJ. He—she—they? Looked really awkward and clearly don’t want to be here. How he, as their Master, didn’t realize they’re there is even more surprising. While he quite enjoy the Knight company and don’t mind them being here, the fact that they have questionable gender of either male or female made it questionable if they’re supposed to be here. The young Master had tried a few times asking D’Eon gender but every time there’s always something weird stopping him from finding out.

“Ah, please don’t mind me.” The ambiguous gender knight said with a small awkward smile, “I-I’m just here to keep Astolfo company.” 

“… Um, I guess we can do that…” He looked to the next person in line, “Mr. El-Mole, you’re next.”

“It’s El-Melloi! And I do not wish to take part in this activity.” He puffed out another smoke from his cigarette, “I also don’t find the enjoyment of finding out everyone’s love life and—“

“Come on, Mr. Zhuge!” Astolfo once again interrupted, leaping toward the personification of the famous tactician and began to harass him by grabbing his collar and shaking him. “Join in the fun and stop being a stick in the mud!”

“That’s right Zhuge Liang.” Iskandar joined in and stare disappointedly at the Caster. “This is the time of merry making, a time of trust and male bonding. How can you break our trust just like that?”

“Yeah Mr. Mole! What he said!”

“I-It’s El-Melloi! Fine I’ll join in so stop shaking me!” As per his request the Rider let him go. The man sighed in defeat, clearly annoyed at himself how easily he gave up. “… It’s Ushiwakamaru.”

Ushiwakamaru, or also known as Japan most famous commander, Minamoto-no-Yoshitsune, who history clouded to be a man. 

“… BAHAHAHAHAHA!” Cu burst out loud while holding his stomach. “So the mighty strategist is a lolicon?! HAHAHAHA!”

“I am NOT a lolicon! Just because her body is like that doesn’t mean she’s a loli! You don’t have to like someone from their body! Ushiwakamaru is a brilliant woman and—“  
“HAHAHAHA! Sure whatever you say, you pedo.”

“You…”

“Heh, unlike you who have a fetish for the mind, I personally prefer the busty ones.” With pride as high as the mountain Cu declared. “Like Boudica, Nero, Saint Martha, Master Scathach, Jeanne, Orion, and even Mashu… Girls with bodies like them are what REAL men want.” He nodded his head sagely, ignoring the look of disgust from both El-Melloi and Emiya. “Females with breasts and butts! With curves! Those, my friends, are what define real women.”

He sounded like a perverted old man. Was the thought of the other males in the room. 

“Well, as much as I want to agree with you, Cu Chulainn, I can’t do that.” Dr. Roman face turned serious, like a warlord that’s preparing to go to war. It is something that everyone in Chaldea almost never seen. “I, as the biggest fan of Marie Antoinette must disagree with your philosophy!” A burst of unknown Prana filled the room, surprising everyone. 

“Wh-What is this power?!” Iskandar asked while covering his face from the sudden surge of prana. 

“I-It’s over 9000!” El-Melloi, too, despite being a Caster was caught off guard.

It was Cu that realized what sort of power this is. “T-This is a power that surge from one desire and love for an idol that they knew they will never date! The power of fanboy!”  
“SHE DOESN’T HAVE THE CURVES, YET HER BEAUTY AND VOICE MATCH ALL OTHER!” Roman eyes turned white with power. “VIVA LA FRAAANCE! MARIE!”

“FOU, FOU FOU!”

“No, Fou! Don’t fou-ll to the darkside!”

Yet as abrupt as it appeared, the power disappear as quickly as it come. “So that’s who I like.” Roman said with a smile, returning back to his normal, pathetic self. “You’re next, Emiya.”

Emiya, as the primary chef and perhaps the more respected male Servant among the male ranks, sighed. “I guess I should get this over with…” Ritsuka could see a look of regret on his face, probably from coming here. “… I like Artoria.”

That… Actually doesn’t really surprise anyone in the room that much. Almost all the occupants in Chaldea can see the tension in the air between the two, hell even Emiya would sometime privately cook for the King of Knights, or put extras on her plate. Artoria, too, would go mellower whenever she’s talking with him. Boudica, the Queen of Ancient Britannia, and also the self-proclaimed big sister of Artoria, shipped them so much she sometime asked Ritsuka to bring them along to get them closer.

“So… You like DILF?”

All eyes turned toward Cu who said it. “What?” Emiya looked at the Lancer like he’d gone insane, “Artoria is a girl.”

“I know that. But isn’t she, like, the Father of Mordred?” Cu titled his head with a smirk. “So doesn’t that make her a… Dilf?”

…

…

…

The strangely logical question made everyone think. Although Artoria is indeed a girl, she is also the father of her daughter Mordred, who also kept calling her ‘Father’. So while the King of Knight is a girl, the word ‘Dilf’ would fit her perfectly.

Damn.

It was Roman who breaks the silence. “Listen, no matter what happened, even if you love Dilf, I will still respect you as a male.”

“I don’t want to get that from you of all people…”

Roman ignored him. “So who do you like, Ritsuka?”

“Fou! Fou!”

“Oh right. Your first huh Fou?” Roman scratches his cheek with a sheepish smile, “So who do you like, Fou?”

“Fou!”

“Mashu.” Ritsuka translated.

Figure. “So now that Fou’s out of the way, who do you like, Ritsuka Fujimaru?” Roman smile turned into a full blown grin. “And don’t lie to us now.”

All attention now focused solely on the sole Master of Chaldea, each one curious to hear what he had to say. Even Darius, the Berserker, is paying full attention. 

“Well…” Ritsuka scratches his face with a small smile, “Saying a single name to classified the meaning of beautiful doesn’t exactly convey my feeling.” Everyone blinks at his words, “I know that this probably sound stupid but… I think that everyone in Chaldea is beautiful. Mashu’s determination, Jeanne kindness, Artoria courage, Marie’s dream, and I can go on and on about it. Everything is beautiful in its own right, and every time I seen it I always fell in love again and again. I never felt like this back when I was just a civilian living his life. I was always alone.” Then he showed them a truly, stunning smile that stunned everyone in the room. “That’s why I can’t help it but fell in love whenever someone showed me their beauty.” His smile is like a light that enveloped them, driving away the darkness.

Ritsuka Fujimaru concept of ‘Beauty’ is abstract, yet can be understood. To him, a normal human being, all the Heroic Spirits have their own beauty to show the world. They don’t have to have beautiful face or ingenious mind; whatever traits they have that made them ‘Hero’ from the inside is what he understood as ‘Beauty’.

…

…

… “WE ARE NOT WORTHY!” Iskandar, Roman, Fou, and Darius bowed their head to Ritsuka as if he’s some sort of pimp god.

“E-Eh?!”

“MY EYES!” Cu screamed out while rolling around on the ground while covering his eyes. “IT BURN! OH GOD THE PURE INNOCENT”

“S-Such honesty…” El-Melloi covered his face with his hand. “Even my Magic Resistance is…”

“Are… You guys okay?”

“M-Master…” Astolfo moaned out, his hand began rubbing around his body in a sensual way. “Ah… I… I can’t…” He moaned out.

“Huh?”

“M-MASTEEEER!”

“AAAAHH! ASTOLFO WHAT ARE YOU—GAH! THAT’S MY PANTS! STOP! AAAH!”

“USE ME NOW, MASTER!”

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”

“So this is what a Harem Protagonist can do…” Emiya said while rubbing his chin, observing Astolfo molesting their Master. “It is… Very impressive.” As an ex-harem protagonist and an ex-eroge protagonist, he has some resistance to Ritsuka Noble Phantasm. But then he spotted something on the corner of his eyes. “… Not even D’Eon can resist it, huh?”

He said while watching D’Eon shivering on the corner as if holding something inside of them, their face red and blood running down their nose.

Ritsuka Fujimaru Noble Phantasm is truly terrifying.

XXX

Unknown to the males, the female’s population is also having their own ‘Girls Night’. The Cafeteria tables are set aside to create space in the middle of the room, where most of the Servant girls are gathering around. In the center is a large crystal orb, courtesy of Medea, that shows the ‘Boys Night’ meeting in Ritsuka’s room like a television. 

It’s basically a spying orb.

They do this, of course, by tapping into the vision and hearing of the agent they’ve sent. Indeed, having someone with an ambiguous gender is really a miracle.

The night went on smoothly with different emotions as each male declare who they ‘like’ among the female Servants. They’ll giggle, yelled, and even fangirling among each other whenever one of them are chosen. Artoria, who against her will was brought here, was perhaps the largest among all reaction.

At least until it reach Ritsuka. 

When he began speaking his view of ‘beauty’ all of them are on the edge of their seats, but then when he flashed them his most stunning smile (Noble Phantasm), all hell break loose.

Literally.

“Do not get in my way, Jeanne D’Arc! It’s my duty as a Saint to shower our Master with the love he need! Please do not make me punch you!”

“Please get ahold of yourself Saint Martha! You’ll only make the situation worse!”

“Do not stand in my way, Medusa. Our Master needs my love.”

“As much as I want to join you, Medea, our Master needs his sleep and as his loyal Servant I shall give him that.”

“Please move aside, Artoria! As my little sister you must understand that our Master needs pampering and love!”

“Boudica please calm down!”

“You land lizard hussy!”

“You idol failure personified!”

“Do not stand in my way, Mashu. My student needs my counseling.”

“M-Master Scathach please stop! Senpai need his rest!”

Marie Antoinette observed the chaos with a smile on her face. “Ara, everyone is so energetic.” She giggles and took a sip from her cup. 

It took several Noble Phantasms and one pissed off Altera who was ‘kept awake by the bad civilizations’ that the chaos died down somewhat. But the kitchen need another repair and the kitchen need to be restock.

But truly, it’s just another day in Chaldea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now remember! More review made me more hyped to write the next chapter! And if you have some ideas or some pairing you want feel free to leave it in the review. I’ll try my best to satisfy.
> 
> The Boys position: From Ritsuka position on top of the circle as checkpoint, starting from the left: Darius, Astolfo, D’Eon, Iskandar, Zhuge, Cu, Roman, Emiya, and Fou (who then jump on Ritsuka’s lap).
> 
> Axel Yamamoto Dandy Note:
> 
> -Dilf/DILF: It’s the shortened for ‘Daddy I love to fuck’, a direct opposite of Milf.


	3. The Hundred Days Cook War!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A war doesn't always fought on the battlefield.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! It’s not my most proud Jeanne chapter, but I try my best! If everyone keep asking for her then I’ll make another one. Maybe add a sexy scene or two.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! 
> 
> P.S: GRAMMAR ALERT!
> 
> P.S.S: … I got nothing.

Jeanne Alter is the dark reincarnation of the Holy Maiden Jeanne D’Arc, the enemy of ‘God’, and the scourge of mankind. She is someone that installs fear and brought upon despair to the world.

At least that’s what Gilles keep telling her.

But when she was first summoned by that damn Master of hers, instead of cowering in fear or dark awe he smiled at her. Smiled! What kind of reaction was that!? He was supposed to be worshipping her like she’s some kind of dark deity! Not… Not smiling cutely like that!

No, not cute. She meant disgusting. Yes. There’s no way she find her Master smile cute in any way at all.

His cute smile aside, today Jeanne Alter will torture her Master and embarrass him in front of the other Servants. To fulfill her machination she had acquired a certain powder from Gilles that’ll make their stupid Master libido reach its limit! He’ll have an uncontrollable urge for 24 hour to mate with any females in his line of sight! That way, the other Servants would look at him with disgust for a long time! 

Yes, her plan is truly perfect!

And so she skips herself toward the cafeteria where most Servants and Staff Members are having breakfast and mingling with each other like pathetic humans. Arriving at the door she barged in through with a large grin.

“Master—“ She stopped, her mouth agape at the sight before her. 

It’s her Master, sitting on a table while being spoon feed a strawberry shortcake by her holy counterpart, Jeanne D’ Arc. He made a stupid expression on his face while munching on the disgusting thing while the damn Maiden seems to be enjoying herself watching him. It made her irk watching the scene, it made her want to unleash her spear and create chaos, it made her… Made her…

It made her want to beat up that stupid smile from her holy counterpart!

“Hm? Oh, Joan! How are you?” Ritsuka finally noticed the Avenger standing by the door. 

Joan. It was a name that Ritsuka Fujimaru gave to her because it keeps confusing people to call her ‘Jeanne’ and a bit annoying to keep adding the ‘Alter’ part. It’s an insult to her, the ‘Dragon Witch’, to be called a ‘pet name’ by her Master like she’s some sort of pet or something! It… it infuriate her!

… But since her Master already spent some brain power coming up with that name, she supposed she can humor him by responding to the name.

“You seem to be… Enjoying yourself, Master.” Jeanne Alter, or Joan, said while gritting her teeth. 

Ritsuka blink, “Huh? Oh yeah. Jeanne made this delicious cake! You want some?” 

Joan eye twitch, her irritation slowly rising pass the boiling point. How dare he offer her some of that pathetic Holy Maiden creation!  
The said Holy Maiden also joined in the conversation, offering her a kind smile. “Here, you can have some too if you want. Say ‘Aaah.” She offers a spoon to her Alter counterpart, who scowls at the kind gesture.

“I don’t need your kindness, Holy Maiden!” She storm off, leaving the table toward the place where you can get your meal. How dare that Holy slut brag in front of her! So what if she can create delicious cake?! She can do it too! She’ll show her and the Master that she, Joan D’ Arc, can create delicious food as well!

And so, with her original plan forgotten, she concocts another plan to defeat her counterpart in front of their Master.

 

XXX

 

Shirou Emiya, or also known as Archer Emiya in Chaldea, is a pretty tough Servant in his own right and had seen a lot of crap in his life. He’d been through a war and even ended some, seen genocide and stopped some of them. Truly, he can almost boast that he’d seen enough crap that almost anything didn’t faze him as much anymore.

But today… Today is different.

“So uh…” Emiya struggle slightly, once again checking the toughness of the chain that’s tied around him. “Why did you kidnap me again?” He looks up toward his kidnapper, who stood defiantly above him.

Emiya was walking down the empty hallway of Chaldea while pondering what to cook tomorrow when suddenly Jeanne Alter just appeared out of nowhere, beat him up, tied this weirdly strong chain and began dragging him to the kitchen. 

“I need you to assist me in b-b-baking a cake.” Her face is slightly flustered, yet her eyes remained determined. 

…

…

… “Wait, I’m sorry but you beat me up, tied me with this chain, and kidnap me because you want to learn how to bake?!” He’d been through a lot of crap, but this one take the cake of one of the oddest one.

Pun clearly intended.

Joan face went redder, “Yeah! You got a problem with that?!” 

Emiya narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “… And why did you want to learn baking?”

She flinched, and her eyes grew sharper as she continue to glares at the Archer. “I-It’s none of your business!”

… Yup, it’s clear from how she act she want to make a cake for, if he has to guess, their Master, Ritsuka Fujimura. She’s just being a tsundere about it, like Rin. Taking a deep breath, Emiya let out a loud sighed, silently asking how did he of all people got roped into the problem of Rituska’s Harem member? “Alright fine, but you need to follow all of my instruction, got it?”

“What!? Are you telling me that I must follow your order?!”

“Well do you want to learn or not?”

“… Fine. But if you order something stupid I’ll skewer you.”

Emiya roll his eyes, “Yeah, yeah, not get me out of this chain. Where did you even get it?”

“I borrowed it from Medusa.”

Oh of course. Only that BDSM obsessed Servant would have a chain like this.

 

15 Minute Later…

 

“No! You can’t add that to the dough!”

“Eh? Why not? I heard people love foie gras. It’s quite a delicacy, I hear.”

“Not on cakes! Never on cakes!”

 

35 Minute Later…

 

“Don’t add that much baking soda! You’ll ruin the cake!”

“Eh? But I want it to be large!”

“It’ll ruin it!”

 

1 Hour 20 Minute Later…

 

“Dragon Tooth does not make for a good cake ingredient!”

“Eeeeh? Why?”

“It’ll ruin the taste.”

“What about Dragon Heart?”

“It’s the same thing! And do you want to make our Master like Siegfried?!”

 

3 Hour 10 Minute Later…

 

“It’s done! My first cake!”

Emiya sighed and rest his head on a nearby table filled with messy ingredients and dirty utensils. “Congrats…” He muttered tiredly. Despite being a Servant he never knew that teaching someone with inept skill in cooking was harder than fighting Gilgamesh. 

And it’s just a simple cheesecake. If it’s something more complicated then he might as well just kill himself and save the trouble.

“With this I’m going to show to that Holy Maiden that I can also bake!” Joan laughs evilly. “The Master heart is mine—Uh, I mean he will see me in dark awe and forget about that Holy Hussy!”

Emiya sighed again. Tsundere is so tiring to handle…

“Alright, now to deliver this to Master—“

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Emiya quickly stopped her, “It’s 3 in the morning. I doubt he’s awake right now.”

… “Damn it, you’re right, Archer of Red. Then we need to capture Gilgamesh so we can borrow his Gate of Babylon. Surely this cake taste and texture will be retain inside there until our Master’s awake.” 

“You… Do know we can use the fridge, right?”

“Eh?! B-But wont the taste change?!”

“It won’t.”

“… I dunno… Maybe we should grab Gilgamesh just in case the fridge’s broken…”

“…”

XXX

Jeanne D’ Arc is a Saint, the Holy Maiden that never fell into the temptation of darkness. She is proud by this fact, and seeks to maintain it despite becoming a Servant. That’s why despite having to deal with a lot of quirky Servants she remained one of the most patience Servant.

But the sight before her starts to bring out something she did not wish to feel.

“Wow! This cheesecake taste really good, Joan!” Ritsuka compliment while munching on the yellow, delicious looking cake.

“Of course Master.” The Alter Servant smile flintily, “It was made just for you.” Then she glanced toward the entrance where she spotted her counterpart. “Oh hello there Jeanne. Do you wish to have a taste?” She offers a plate of the cake to her with a smug and mocking smile.

Yesterday when Joan stormed off she felt slightly bad for ruining her mood, whatever her mistake maybe. But now? Now when she so blatantly declare a full fledge war for their Master affection? Oh no, no more Mrs. Nice Saint. Just like France, she will take the war back to the aggressor.

And so she made a plan.

 

XXX

 

“I need your help to bake a cake for our Master.”

Marie and D’Eon looked at each other while Emiya slam his face to the kitchen table, groaning at his E rank luck.

“But Jeanne, you know how to bake cake. Why ask for our help?” Marie asked out of pure curiosity. 

“I wish to make something special for our Master and it requires more than a pair set of hands to make this.” She grab a cook book and show it to them, “I wish to make Napoleons mille-feuilles.”

The declaration surprised the three occupants in the room. “The thousand layer cake?!” Emiya looka at the Ruler class like she’d gone insane, his face hardened like that of a veteran of war. But in this case a veteran of chef that had created a thousand foods. “That’s a high goal you wish, Jeanne. It will take a lot out of all of us to create such a monster creation, so are you sure you’re going to do this?” At Jeanne intense nod of her head Emiya stood up. “Then we should start now or we will lose daylight. We also need to make the vanilla-chocolate glaze.”

D’Eon raised his… her? Hand. “I can do that!”

“Good. Then let’s begin.” Taking a deep breath, Emiya steel himself on this challenge. I am the bone of my food…

 

XXX

 

The cycle continues as both Jeanne’s tries to overturn one another by baking more and more desert for Ritsuka. It gone so much out of control that they practically began shoving cake after cake to the Master mouth.

It ended with the Master staying in the Medical Ward a few days for excessive sugar intake. 

While the war ended (for now) for the two Servants, their struggle in the kitchen of Chaldea was pass down as legend among the rumor mill of future Chaldea.

They called it… The Hundred Days Cake War.

 

FIN? … But there’s more!

 

This part was inspired by a review by kyugan, so if you like it you can thank him/her.

It’s a peaceful day in Chaldea for once. The cafeteria runs normally, with no Harem member fighting to the death for Ritsuka’s affection, or a raging berserker suddenly destroying everything because they didn’t get their breakfast pudding.

Truly, for Emiya today is a good day.

*Jiiiiiiiii*

At least it would be if not for the fact that someone is staring at him intently. 

Emiya looked up from his food to see a beautiful, yet tomboyish looking girl staring at him intently. She’s Mordred, the ‘son’ of Artoria Pendragon, and also the Knight of Betrayal that cause her to die and her Kingdom to fall. His relationship with her is… cordial, at best. She don’t really like him all that much, and his sassy and sarcastic nature pissed her off even more for some reason. But the food he made refrain her from actually brandishing her sword and try her luck to take his head.

Or it could be the fact that their Master and Artoria will not be amused when they start killing each other that stayed her blade. Either is fine for the Archer, really.

“What?” He decided to ask.

Mordred hummed, her eyes staring directly at him. “… You’re good at cooking, not bad to look at, and look really good on an apron…” She muttered more to herself than the confused Archer. “Father seems to like you too… And you don’t mind cooking for her…”

… Emiya didn’t know where this is going, especially so with the statement that he looks good on an apron. But when Mordred face lights up as if a revelation hit her, his Eye of the Mind alert him that whatever going to come out of her mouth is a danger to his health.

“Are you my new Mother?!”

Emiya choking sound echoes through the full cafeteria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think? Not bad eh? Leave a review to tell me about it! Also, do you guys want me to try a lemon scene? If so, who do you want it to be with? I’ll try my best to help. Tell me on the review! Or PM me or something.
> 
> Also if some characters are OOC it’s because I don’t know them well enough to write a perfect character. So do apology. 
> 
> If you guys have any idea, don’t hesitate to submit it via Review or PM! Or want to add me in F/GO USA then ask away!


	4. Lily of Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the Betrayer need some love too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys how are you? Here's the next chapter from yours truly. Sadly it isn't really as good as I thought it'll be, but it can't be help. I'm sick right now, and I can't work at 100%. I apologize for the disappointing chapter.
> 
> Do you guys want lemon in the series? Please let me know if yes. I might consider. 
> 
> Anyway without further ado enjoy!

XXX

Mordred is not girly no matter where you're looking at her, and she herself knew that. She's what the modern time called a 'tomboy', a female that act like male. Really, she didn't know who made the classification on how a female should act and why they need some 'term' to labeled them. To her and her Father, gender is meaningless and matter very little.

But that's now what important right now.

Mordred burst into the cafeteria that as usual if filled with activity. Servants and Chaldea Staffs mingling with one another to enjoy the food serve by their designated cooks. She looks around the tables, her eyes scanning each occupant like an eagle searching for a fitting prey.

There.

She fast walks toward a table with a certain Servant perfect for her problem. There are three occupants on the table, chatting away whatever topic it is they're talking about. It matter not for Mordred. They all paused when Mordred arrived and stop next to the table, her eyes steel with determination and her hands clench into a ball.

This is it Mordred. You're here, so you can't back out now. Show the courage of the Heir of Camelot!

Mordred take a deep breath and steel her beating heart.

"Astolfo! Please, make me your student!" She bows her head, her body shaking with emotion.

The beautiful girl—Er, male blinks in confusion at the abrupt request. "Eh?"

 

XXX

 

"So you want to be my student because you want to be more feminine?"

Mordred nods her head, her eyes shines with determination. "That's right!"

They're currently standing in a pink room filled with cute dolls of all size and shape, from teddy bears to a weirdly shaped Panda called 'Pan-San' and other, fluff fulfilling accessories. It's by all logic is a very girly room. Yet this room housed two of the most sexually confusing servants in all of Chaldea, Astolfo and D'Eon. While the later gender is really questionable, it was Astolfo that designed the room until it turns like it was right now.

The Paladin of Charlemagne scratches his cheek, "Well I mean I don't mind but… Why me?"

The Knight of Betrayal looked down to the floor, pondering how she should answer the question, "Truth to be told, I always thought of you as the most feminine in both acts and looks. No matter what fashion you wear it always looks really good on you." She looked up toward the pink hair Rider, "You are the cutest servant that I know that I can hold a conversation with!"

Meaning Astolfo can actually keep up with Mordred more… emotional responses.

"Iyaaan… Miss Mordred you're going to make me blush." Astolfo cup his face with his hands and blush, apparently taking what Mordred said as a compliment. "Alright then! I, Astolfo of Charlemagne, shall assist you in your quest!"

"Trully?!"

Astolfo nods his head and folded his hands, "Indeed! But if I may ask why do you want to be more girly all of a sudden?"

Mordred flinched. Then slowly she looks away, her face red. "… ter…"

"Eh?"

"… ess… ter…"

"I'm sorry but I can't hear—"

"I… I want to impress our Master!"

Astolfo stares at the blushing, shaking maiden before him. Her face is so red that one would thought it'll explode. Her eyes are closed, her hands clench into a ball and her body shakes with clear embarrassment from that mere words alone. The innocent words of a maiden that wish only to impress and earn a compliment or two and maybe a path in the head from someone they care about.

It was...

IT WAS SO CUTE!

"KYAAAH MORDRED! YOU'RE SO CUTE!"

"Ah!? S-Sir Astolfo?!"

"Don't you worry! I'll doll you up so good our Master can't take his eyes off of you! But first we're going to need back up!"

"Huh?!"

 

XXX

 

"—that's why we're asking for your help, Miss Marie, D'Eon, will you two help us?"

"Oh, uh sure."

"That's a silly question dear. OF COURSE I'll help! Oh my this is getting exciting!" A glimpse of unknown emotions is bubbling inside Marie Antoinette eyes as she stares at Mordred. "Don't you worry dear, we'll make you look very beautiful."

"Oh… Uh… Thank you?" Mordred is now beginning to be unsure of her decision. The eyes of her new Master in the art of feminine and Marie is beginning to scare her. And is D'Eon staring at her with pity? Why?

Later on Mordred realized there's a world that one could say far harsher than the world of Knights. One could say enduring the training to be a proper lady is as harsh as a soldier training.

 

XXX

 

Time Skip

Artoria Pendragon is enjoying her breakfast in peace. It's morning time in Chaldea, and none of the Servants cause any shenanigans yet. Even Gilgamesh, in all of his asshole personality, has yet to make a move to annoy her today. Shirou—Er, EMIYA is sitting across of her to keep her company, and Lancelot is yet to come screaming her name.

This is a good morning.

Oh and her Daughter who likes to bother her didn't do so for a few days now. She's honestly is getting worried. Worried that Mordred is planning something to make chaos in Chaldea or assassinating her. Again.

She needs to be prepared.

Yet as she ponders what kind of evil plan her Daughter is planning she didn't realize that most of the loud sound of conversation in the Cafeteria had stopped, now replaced with whispers. Nor did she notice her companion looking behind her with wide eyes and then was choked with his food.

"G-Good morning, Father."

Artoria flinched at the voice. It was a familiar voice for her, one that she had heard before she died. Slowly she looks behind her with her guard up and ready for anything Mordred is planning.

But she didn't expect this.

Her Daughter is wearing a beautiful white dress that one would see in old 17th century French, showing her skin around the upper chest that tease hint of her breast and also showing her white milky shoulder and neck. Her blond hair that usually tied into a ponytail is now free, letting the world appreciate her charming blond hair.

Even with such old attire even she has to admit how regal she is. It's like… Like seeing a beautiful princess from fairy tale.

"Mor… dred?"

Princess Mordred, now dub as Mordred Lily, twitch her lips a bit. Her expression is one of those regal smiles, but if one would look closer they can see how awkward she is. "Yes Father?"

Artoria only stares; her brain went into a black screen trying to process the sight before her.

"Oh! Mordred is that you?!"

All attention quickly went to the Master of many Servants, Ritsuka Fujimaru walking toward the group with a large innocent smile on his face.

The Knight of Betrayal heart beats louder with every step her Master take to get to her. Her face slowly became red, and her lips begin to dry. You need to calm down Mordred! All that training with Master Astolfo, Maria and D'Eon will go to waste otherwise! Gather your courage! With a deep breath, Mordred gather whatever willpower she has, turn to face her Master, show a proper smile that Maria always use and actually greet Ritsuka like a proper noble lady.

"M-Master, good morning. I hope you have a good rest." She could see Marie, Astolfo, and D'Eon giving her thumbs up from one of the table. Everyone, thank you!

"Good morning, Mordred." Ritsuka smile at her, a smile that has captivated so much hearts. "Are you trying out a new outfit?"

"Y-Yes, that's right. Do you think it fit me, Master?"

Ritsuka look at her outfit from top to bottom while humming. "… Of course! You look really beautiful, Mordred." Activating The Kind Smile of a Harem Master!

You're beautiful…

Beautiful…

Beautiful…

You look really beautiful, Mordred.

It's super effective!

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Her heart can't take it, Mordred summon her blade and smack Ritsuka away with enough force to make him fly. Then she quickly ran out of the room, still screaming and her face is red as a tomato.

"Master?!" Artoria was snapped out of the shock and quickly went to check on her Master, who survived only thanks to his EX passive skill. "Are you alright?! Speak to me Master!"

"We should have prepared her more of Master smile, Miss Marie." Astolfo said while rubbing his chin, "Mordred defense against his smile is still E rank."

Marie sighed dejectedly, "I know… It is our failure as her Master."

D'Eon sweatdrop at their two companions, "U-Um… Shouldn't someone go after Mordred? Or look at our Master? He doesn't look fine at all…"

 

FIN? … But there's more!

B & B

 

"Archer of Red, tell me, what is Bird and Bees?"

EMIYA choke on his drink. He cough and smack his chest several time to recover, and when he does he slowly move his gaze toward the one that have the gall to actually ask that question outright.

Jeanne Alter, or what their Master call Joan D' Arc, is staring at him with an honest question in her eyes.

"You… Actually don't know what bird and bees is?" Is she serious? There's no way she won't know what it is.

Joan shook her head, "I don't know. I tried asking Gilles but he didn't want to answer me despite my insistent. Then I tried asking that obnoxious and disgusting Saint but she instead have this weird expression on her face and insist on calling her 'Big Sis'." She sighed, "I don't know what's gotten into her. I tried asking several other but they either don't want to answer or wave me off to someone else."

EMIYA couldn't exactly blame them himself.

"I would've asked our Master, but then I'll look like a fool if I don't know what this… terminology mean."

Curse my E rank luck! "Have you tried asking Mashu? I'm sure she—"

"She also didn't know."

Of course she didn't. "Then what about—"

EMIYA spent five minutes naming almost all the Servants that might now and brave enough to tell her about the Bird and Bees. But apparently she'd asked most of them already, and they either run away, refrain from answering, answered with grunts (Darius and Heracles), or just yelled out ARTHUUUR (Lancelor).

Basically he's like the last choice. Damn it.

"I will have my answer today, one way or another." Joan said with conviction in her eyes, "I will kidnap and torture you if I have to."

Shit. Of course she would have enough with everyone not answering her during his turn. Now, he can try to run, but he doubt with Chaldea limited space he can escape far before the Anti-Saint catch up to him. He can try getting to their Master, but he doubt he can use him as cover forever (and it'll be creepy if he keep following him around). And he can just try to explain it and get it over with so he can go back to whatever it is he's doing in peace.

… "Fine. I'll teach you about Bird and Bees."

"Really?!" Joan looked surprised and please. "Finally! Someone who will teach me Bird and Bees!"

All conversation in the cafeteria stop. All eyes are looking toward the spot where EMIYA and Joan are conversing. Of course, the Dark Saint didn't notice, but EMIYA notice all the stares directed at him.

His eye twitched, and he restrained himself from committing seppuku to just end everything right here and now. Oh god his reputation…

"Ho… So you're teaching her about Bird and Bees, hm?"

EMIYA heard a chilling voice behind him, one filled with killing intent. Oh god… "Listen Artoria I can explain—"

"No need." Artoria put her plate of food on the table, and then one burst of prana later she adorn her battle armor. "Prepare to die, Shirou." She summons her golden sword of promised victory.

"NO WAIT—"

"DIE YOU EX-EROGE PROTAGONIST!"

That morning, the cafeteria once again needs another repair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like it. Next chapter will involve a lot of 'Big Sister' type Servants, so look forward to it! And maybe I'll make some Gender Bender chapter everyone wanted so much lol.
> 
> Just hope my sickness is cure by then.
> 
> Have a nice day guys!


	5. Chaldea Christmas Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A normal-ish Christmas in Chaldea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This'll be my last update this year! The next chapter is a bit longer than expected so I'm wondering what I should do, haha. So instead I give you this special chapter for you all! I hope you enjoy it!

Christmas,

A day of celebration that more often than not symbolize merriness and resting time to spend with your loved ones, friends and family alike. It's a time where one could lay back and finally takes some time to relax from the trouble of the world, at least for one day, and where kindness come in abundant for sharing and giving gifts are an essential part of Christmas itself.

Chaldea, as the last hope of Mankind and its last bastion of resistance against fate, also embrace this cultural idea. Decorations of all manners that resemble the Christmas spirit can be seen decorating almost the entire public facilities, and it even can be seen on some of the Servants rooms. Of course the source of all the more flashy and overused décor could only be found in the one room where many of the Servants could always be found mingling about: the Cafeteria. Even the prominent Chefs of Chaldea like Shirou Emiya and Tamamo Cat pitched in by creating an oversized cake of sweetness that stood in the middle of the room.

Nobody knows how they could make such a thing in one night.

Of course even some of the Servants join in with the Christmas spirits by wearing attributes of red and white that the famous Santa usually wore, though some prefer to wear the trusty steed of Santa: the reindeer. Asterios in particular have no shame at all by being the private reindeer of Euryale and carrying the Goddess everywhere and anywhere, other are so into the Christmas spirit they wore the full Santa suit even with the beard (Altera and Artoria) while other are mixing the Christmas spirit with something else and wore a really lewd version of it (Martha, Ushiwakamaru, Kiyohime, Nero, and Tamamo no Mae).

Near one of the many buffet tables a pair of familiar Saint and Anti-Saint is having a heated argument that made the other occupants giving them wide breath. From the serious expressions on their face and large amount of auras they're emitting one would think whatever it's they're debating is a really serious topic.

"For the last time I won't call you 'Onee-chan'!"

"But why!? Master summoned me first so I have the right to be called that!"

"No means no!"

"T-Then at the very least call me Ane-sama!"

"NO!"

Yes indeed, a very serious conversation.

In the midst of the argument they didn't realize that the Master of Chaldea, Humanity Last Hope, and the unproclaim New Harem Master, walked inside the room. He scans the room and then his eyes landed on the two arguing Servants. He quickly fast walk toward the two while returning the greeting that some of the Servants are giving him.

"Jeanne, Joan."

His voice alone is enough to stop the argument between the Saint-that-poke-people's-eyes and the Dragon Witch. "Ah! Merry Christmas Master!" Jeanne greeted quickly and showers her Master with a beautiful smile. "I hope you have a wonderful—" She stopped.

There, standing beside her beloved Master, is a small mini-me version of Joan wearing a Santa outfit. Ritsuka crouches down, hold the little girl shoulders, and then beam at the two of them.

"This is the product of our love!" He said in a sing-along voice to Jeanne and Joan, "Please accept her both of you!"

"Eh?"

"Huh?"

Silence,

Silence,

It was Emiya, the ex-ero protagonist that first processed what his Master just said. For one, he knew it's a joke since Servant can't exactly conceive a baby, and finally he also realized what landmine Ritsuka just stepped on with his jest.

"Master don't-!"

"WHAAAAAAAT?!"

Members of Ritsuka harem pile dived at the poor Master and demanded explanation. Their logical side's buried underneath the fact of what he'd just said while bringing along a 'proof'. He tried to explain it's a joke of course, but the girls are too preoccupied to listen to him.

"What's the meaning of this puppy?!"

"M-My lord have you come to hate me that you did not wish to impregnate me?!"

"A-As a S-Saint you should do it with me first!"

"No! Mama wouldn't allow you having another baby with another woman!"

"Mikon! You're Tamamo's Master! You should impregnate me first!"

"As your big sis I will not allow unsafe sex! Y-You should consult me first!"

It's chaos full of soft bodies.

"W-What?! Don't be stupid!" Joan exclaimed loudly despite her Master being pile dived with soft bodies of females. "There's no way that this is—"

Jeanne drop to her knee as she stares at the smaller Servant on the eyes. "My name's Jeanne… I'm your new Mama." The she hug her softly with a faint tear falling down from her eyes. "You're safe now, it's alright…"

"Eh!? Don't join in with this stupidity you shitty Saint!" It was then Joan's eyes landed on her mini-me gaze. "… What?"

"… I can't believe you'll be me in the future."

A tickmark appeared on her head, "HAH!? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"

"Joan! Don't yell at our child!"

"THAT'S NOT OURS!"

"Jeanne stop going along with this joke and help us!" EMIYA screamed as he and several other Servants tries to dig their Master from the pile of bodies. "Our Master'll die if this keeps up!"

She ignored him in favor of pampering the new Servant.

It's just another typical Christmas in Chaldea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's too short, but I don't have as much time as I used to have. Merry Christmas to people that celebrate it, and have a Happy New Year to all of you!
> 
> Also follow my Archive of Our Own: Axel_Yamamoto
> 
> Twitter: Axel_Yamamoto
> 
> Discord: #9372 Axel Yamamoto
> 
> Peace!

**Author's Note:**

> FIN?
> 
> It’s short, but I really like it. What do you guys think? Should I continue it? Leave it on the review section! Cause it feed my ego!
> 
> And if you have any request for, like, MC X SOMEONE then please put it on the review. I might be kind and do it.  
> CIAOU!
> 
> Chaldea/Dr. Roman Master Profile (Incomplete):
> 
> 1\. Ritsuka Fujimaru, the Harem Master of Servants.  
> -Class: Harem Protagonist  
> -Servants: A lot  
> -Looks: Handsome/cute (According to several testimonies)  
> -Personality: Kind  
> -Luck: ??? (E-A++)  
> -Endurance: Soldier Level (Thanks to his experience running around in the missions), can be improve to a lot more if several conditions are met.
> 
> Noble Phantasm:  
> -The Kind Smile of a Harem Master (EX): Once activated, almost all female and even some male servants are affected with [Pure] Charm that will make their heart go ‘Doki-Doki’. Not even Altered Servants are safe.  
> -The Dumb Luck of a Harem Master (EX) (Passive): This skill allowed a Harem Master to survive any life threatening situation made by one of their harem/potential harem members.  
> -The Density of a Harem Protagonist (A++) (Passive): This skill made the Harem Master to be dense as all hell against subtle sexual/romantic advances.


End file.
